How do we keep routines consistent across two homes?

The short answer

Do not try to duplicate two households. Agree a portable core for the parts where inconsistency creates a health, safety or major access problem: prescribed medication, allergies, essential equipment, school information, collection plans and the support used during the child's hardest transitions. Let each home choose its own objects, timings and ordinary rules where the child can understand the difference. Describe both routines accurately: 'Here we shower after dinner; at Mum's it happens in the morning.' Before handover, pass essential information adult to adult and tell the child who, where, when and what happens first on arrival. Keep duplicate essentials where possible so the child is not responsible for transporting every charger, sensory aid or personal-care item. Build a low-demand arrival period if moving between homes uses a great deal of capacity. Ask the child what is confusing, but do not question them for evidence about the other household. Review one recurring difficulty at a time. If adult communication is unsafe because of coercion, threats or abuse, use a safe professional or legal route rather than a shared app or joint routine meeting.

• Make health, safety, equipment and key transition information dependable.
• Allow local routines to differ when the child knows which one applies.
• Pass information directly between adults instead of through the child.
• Reduce the number of essential objects the child must move between homes.
• Give handover and arrival their own routine rather than expecting an instant switch.