What is collaborative problem solving, and how do I use it at home?

The short answer

Collaborative problem solving means working on one recurring difficulty when everyone can think, rather than bargaining during the crisis. Describe the problem without blame and invite the child's account. Listen until you can state their concern accurately, then add the adult concern without cancelling theirs. Define the smallest shared problem and generate several possible routes together. Choose one that is realistic for the child and the adults, decide who will do what and test it for a short period. Review what happened, including distress and recovery, and revise the plan rather than declaring either person uncooperative. A published US trial found a branded Collaborative & Proactive Solutions programme comparable with parent management training for children aged 7 to 14 with oppositional defiant disorder, but that does not establish this method for every autistic, ADHD or demand-avoidant child. Use collaboration as a structured conversation, not a universal treatment claim or a requirement that the child negotiate while overwhelmed.

• Work on one specific recurring problem outside the difficult moment.
• Understand the child's concern before adding the adult concern.
• Define a small shared problem rather than debating character or motives.
• Test one practical agreement with named actions and a review point.
• Keep urgent safety action separate from later collaborative planning.