How do I repair things after I lose my temper with my child?

After shouting, calling your child something cruel or frightening them with your anger, you may want to repair everything immediately. If you are still furious, ashamed or trying to prove why it happened, the conversation can become another round of the argument.

Check that everybody is safe. Then return when you can take responsibility without asking the child to carry your guilt.

Take a pause without disappearing

Tell the child where you are going and when you will make contact:

"I am too angry to speak safely. I am going to the kitchen for ten minutes. You are safe, and I will come back."

Choose a time you can keep. If the child needs longer, do not require a conversation at the end of your pause.

Use the time to reduce your reaction, not to assemble the case against them. Put down anything you are holding, drink, sit, lower sound or ask another safe adult to take over.

Say what you did

Keep the apology specific:

"I shouted and called you impossible. That was unkind, and I am sorry."

Do not add "but you ignored me". The original problem may matter. Attaching it to the apology returns responsibility for your behaviour to the child.

You can recognise possible impact without dictating the child's feelings:

"My voice and words may have frightened you."

Then listen if they tell you something different. Do not argue about your volume, intention or exact wording while they describe what it was like for them.

Richards and Schreiber describe revisiting relational ruptures as a route towards restoring safety, understanding and connection.¹ Their clinical commentary does not mean apology neutralises repeated intimidation or harm.

Do not ask the child to complete the repair

The child may turn away, say "fine", become angry, accept the apology or respond hours later. None of these requires you to keep talking until you feel forgiven.

Match the form to the child. A young child may need two concrete sentences and the return of an ordinary safe routine. A child who uses little speech may prefer their usual symbols, gesture or a message they can revisit. A teenager may want the apology by text or from the doorway. Do not require eye contact or a formal sit-down to prove the moment matters.

Keep the content intact whichever form you use: your action, your responsibility, the possible effect and what you will change. A gift, favourite food or outing can accompany reconnection, but it should not replace the words or buy silence.

Avoid:

• "Do you forgive me?"
• describing yourself as a terrible parent;
• insisting on a hug;
• asking whether they still love you; or
• making them explain how to stop you doing it again.

Offer contact without imposing it:

"Would you like me nearby, a message later or some space?"

Address the original problem separately

If your child hit somebody, damaged property or crossed a necessary boundary, that action still needs a response. Clear your behaviour out of the way first.

"I was wrong to shout. We still need a plan that keeps your brother safe. We will discuss that after dinner when we can both take part."

Taking responsibility does not remove the boundary. It stops your shouting being used as the price the child must pay before adults respond fairly to what happened.

Make a practical change

Look at the hour before you lost your temper: sleep, food, pain, noise, repeated instructions, service pressure, missing support and the point where you first wanted the interaction to stop.

Change one feature:

• hand the task to another adult earlier;
• use a written first action instead of repeated speech;
• move the discussion away from bedtime or leaving;
• protect your own medication, food or sensory support; or
• use a prepared sentence and pause at the first sign.

Tell the child the change they can expect without making them police it: "I have asked Mum to take over tablet endings for this week. If I become loud, it is still my job to stop; you do not have to remind or calm me."

The Library guide helps you build an earlier safety plan for overwhelm. The full repair guide includes different communication forms and age examples.

Know when repair is not enough

Repeated shouting, humiliation, threats, damage or physical actions need more than another apology. NHS anger guidance describes support routes through a GP and NHS talking therapies in England, alongside urgent and emergency help.² Availability differs across the UK.

Say plainly what happens, how often, what the child does in response and whether anyone has been harmed. An explanation involving stress, trauma, sleep or neurodivergence may guide support. It does not remove the child's need for protection.

Footnotes

1. Richards and Schreiber's peer-reviewed clinical commentary supports returning to a rupture. It is not a trial showing that apology prevents harm or repairs repeated frightening behaviour. ↩

2. NHS anger guidance describes possible signs, self-help and England support routes. It does not assess risk in an individual family. ↩

Sources and further reading

1. [1] Richards and Schreiber. Rupture and Repair. March 2024 (accessed 4 August 2026).
2. [2] NHS. Get help with anger. Current NHS guidance (accessed 4 August 2026).