My teenager wants a boyfriend or girlfriend. How do I help?

A teenager may want romance, companionship, physical affection, a recognised label or more time with one person. Begin by asking what the relationship means to them.

Do not dismiss it as a crush. Do not assume that wanting a partner means the teenager is having sex.

Ask what they want

Questions can include:

• What do you enjoy about being together?
• What does boyfriend, girlfriend or partner mean to each of you?
• How do you want to spend time together?
• Is there anything you do not want?
• How will you know if the other person wants to slow down?
• Who could help if something felt confusing?

Let the teenager choose their language and do not assume gender, orientation or the kind of relationship they want.

Make healthy behaviour observable

NSPCC guidance describes healthy relationships through consent, respect and freedom from pressure or control.¹ Translate that into actions.

Both people can:

• say no and change their mind;
• keep other friends and activities;
• stop messaging and sleep;
• keep control of money, clothes and devices;
• disagree without threats or humiliation;
• ask before touch or photographs; and
• end the relationship.

Explain that silence, freezing or moving away are not permission. Teach your teenager to stop and check if the other person seems uncertain, as well as how to set their own boundary.

Plan the practical part

For the next meeting, agree:

• where they will be;
• how they will travel;
• the expected time home;
• one reasonable check-in;
• how to obtain money or a lift if the plan changes; and
• a message or code word that means help without a long explanation.

Meeting the other young person may help, depending on age and circumstances. Be polite and keep it ordinary. An interrogation is unlikely to tell you whether the relationship is safe.

Allow privacy without disappearing

Your teenager does not need to report every message or feeling. Agree what you genuinely need for safety and what remains theirs. A meeting place, travel plan and expected time home may be enough for an ordinary date. Continuous location sharing and access to all messages may not be necessary.

Offer more than one route to advice. The teenager might speak to you, another relative, a school nurse, a clinician or a trusted youth worker. Make clear that choosing somebody else does not close the route back to you.

If they want time alone with the other person, discuss the setting, age, consent, sexual health and household boundaries directly. Avoid inventing a reason to supervise if the real answer is that a particular arrangement is not allowed. A clear no with a reason is easier to understand than surveillance presented as casual interest.

Include sex and online contact

Give accurate information before it is urgent. Cover consent, contraception, sexually transmitted infections, pregnancy, pornography and sexual images at a level your teenager can understand. The fuller guide to sex and consent provides examples and reporting routes.

Explain that nobody owes an image, sexual act, password or location because they are in a relationship. A private image can be copied or used for pressure. If that happens, the teenager needs calm help, not blame.

NHS sexual-health services offer confidential advice, contraception and testing, including for under-16s, within professional safeguarding duties.² Offer travel or company if wanted while allowing the teenager to speak privately with the clinician.

Notice pressure without demanding a breakup confession

Take concern seriously if the other person:

• keeps asking after a no;
• threatens to leave or expose information;
• controls friends, money, food, clothes or location;
• insists on secrecy;
• uses gifts or lifts to apply pressure;
• is an adult pursuing a child; or
• frightens, harms or sexually pressures the teenager.

A teenager may still love or defend somebody who is harming them. Do not make agreement with your label the condition for protection.

Say:

You are not in trouble. I am concerned about the threat and I need to help you get safe. We can decide the next step with as much of your involvement as safety allows.

A first relationship should not have to be perfect to be real. Your role is to provide information, practical backup and a route home, while leaving the teenager room for affection, uncertainty, privacy and ordinary learning.

If the relationship ends, do not use the breakup to prove that adults were right. Help with returned belongings, blocked contact, changed routines and emotional support. Seek help if threats, stalking, image-sharing or harm continue after the relationship ends.

Footnotes

1. NSPCC guidance supports safeguarding education but cannot determine whether a particular relationship is safe from a checklist alone. ↩

2. Confidentiality is subject to professional assessment and safeguarding duties. The clinician should explain how these apply. ↩

Sources and further reading

1. [1] NSPCC. Healthy relationships. Current safeguarding guidance (accessed 4 August 2026).
2. [2] NHS. Confidentiality at sexual health services. Current NHS guidance (accessed 4 August 2026).