Should I ignore the behaviour?

“Ignore it and it will stop” is too broad to be safe or useful.

The better question is: What exactly would the adult respond to less, what need is still being met and what safer route will receive a response instead?

Never ignore these

Respond to:

• danger or harm;
• self-injury or threats;
• possible pain, illness or injury;
• fear, abuse or bullying concerns;
• toileting, food, drink or medical needs;
• a child's yes, no or communication aid;
• distress that is rising; and
• a sudden change from the child's usual pattern.

You may need to create distance, move an object, reduce demand, offer care or seek urgent help. Silence is not a safety intervention.

The NHS says that if behaviour puts the child or somebody else at risk, adults need to intervene as calmly as possible ^[1].

When a smaller response might help

A low-key response may be worth testing when the action is minor, safe and repeatedly followed by a large adult reaction. Examples might include a silly noise during a familiar task, repeating a non-urgent demand after the answer is clear or interrupting through a particular phrase when an agreed signal is available.

Define the action precisely. “Ignore bad behaviour” is unusable. “When Ellis repeats the same non-urgent question within ten seconds, point once to the written answer and continue cooking” is observable.

Stay available to the child. The NHS page distinguishes not responding directly to a behaviour from ignoring the child completely ^[1]. That may mean neutral expression, few words and ordinary proximity rather than turning away for the rest of the evening.

Build the route that will work instead

Before reducing a response, teach the alternative:

If it is urgent, say “urgent”. If it can wait, put your card beside my phone. I will answer when the timer ends.

Then respond quickly when the child uses it. If the calm request is missed while escalation brings immediate contact, escalation remains the dependable route.

Read attention-seeking or connection-seeking to identify whether the child needs help, information, reassurance, protection or shared attention. A generic instruction to ignore cannot distinguish these.

Expect information, not a contest

When the adult response changes, the child may repeat the action because the old sequence is no longer working. Do not assume an increase proves manipulation or that you must hold out longer.

Pause and review if intensity rises, another behaviour appears or the child looks more distressed. The original explanation may have been wrong, the replacement route may be too hard, or the need may be more urgent than adults thought.

NICE guidance for people with a learning disability recommends identifying the situations and consequences linked with behaviour, making a hypothesis and collecting direct observations ^[2]. It does not support guessing a function from the action alone.

Distinguish a low-key response from withdrawal

The adult can keep their face and voice neutral without becoming cold. Continue ordinary care, answer a different appropriate request and reconnect after the moment. Do not remove affection, food, communication equipment, bedtime reassurance or access to help.

Tell the child about the plan when they can understand it:

When you make the alarm sound for fun, I will point to the stop card once and continue what I am doing. If you need me, use my name or tap the help card. I will answer that.

This makes the change predictable rather than leaving the child to discover that an adult has suddenly stopped responding.

If the action appears during shared play or connection, ask whether reducing adult reaction would remove the connection the child is trying to maintain. A different plan may be to schedule a clear turn, teach “again” or explain when the activity will resume.

Notice when the adult needs a pause

Sometimes “I am ignoring this” means the adult is close to shouting and needs to step back. That can be a sensible safety action if the child is safe and knows what is happening:

I am getting too frustrated to answer well. I am taking two minutes in the kitchen. I will come back when the timer sounds.

This is an adult regulation plan, not a technique for extinguishing the child's behaviour. Return when promised or arrange another adult. If you cannot keep either person safe, seek help rather than trying to remain expressionless through an escalating incident.

Run a short, humane test

Use the behaviour decoder to write:

1. the exact safe action;
2. what usually follows;
3. the alternative message;
4. the response that message will receive; and
5. what would make you stop the plan.

Try it for a few ordinary occasions, not during a crisis. Record distress and connection as well as whether the action decreased.

A successful plan does not merely produce a quieter child. It gives them a clearer route and leaves the relationship intact.

Sources and further reading

1. [1] NHS. How to deal with challenging behaviour in children (accessed 4 August 2026).
2. [2] NICE. Challenging behaviour and learning disabilities: prevention and interventions (accessed 4 August 2026).