How much should I still be doing for my child at this age?

The short answer

Use the real task, not the child's age or a comparison with siblings, to decide how much help remains appropriate. Map what the task requires: noticing, starting, sequencing, language, sensory and motor access, materials, time, checking and safety. Then separate what the child can do reliably, what they can do with a tool or person, what is being taught and what an adult still owns. Reduce one support function at a time and watch whether access, accuracy, distress and recovery remain acceptable across ordinary hard days. Independence can include a checklist, adapted equipment, automation or asking another person for help. Keep adult control where the consequence of error is high, such as medication or road safety, while giving the child meaningful information and choice. If help is sustainable and enables participation, its continued presence is not proof that anyone has failed.

• Decide from the demands and consequences of the real task, not age alone.
• Make tools, prompts, preparation and checking visible as parts of current support.
• Reduce one support function at a time and test reliability on ordinary hard days.
• Keep appropriate adult responsibility for high-consequence health and safety tasks.
• Define independence as reliable participation and growing agency, not doing everything unaided.